Open Letter: To Myself at 15

Dear Mara,

I know life hasn’t been the best for you but I have a few things I need you to consider:

  1. Life Ahead – looking ahead life doesn’t seem to get much better for you.  If you continue on this path you will end up worse then your current circumstances
  2. Love – I know that there is an empty spot in you where there is supposed to be the consuming love of your mother, father, brothers.  I know you have so much love to give but you need to go a bit longer without to be okay later. Looking for love will make you vulnerable to those who look for those who are looking.
  3. Motherhood – you are going to have a daughter who loves you so much that you cannot imagine. You will be who she looks up to but try to listen to number 2 so that you can delay her arrival. You have to focus on the best outcome for number 1
  4. Material Things – generally, when you grow up poor you develop this longing for the things you couldn’t have.  Resist the temptation.
  5. Goals – Now, this is a hard one to advise on.  You are very ambitious. You always shoot higher than and is usually happy that you come out close but as you get older this will get old.  You will grow tired without the usual support and family behind you. So achieve as many goals as you can early. Experiment.  Get to know yourself so you can learn to set the best achievable goals in the future.
  6. The Past – I know it hurts.  I know that you have held yourself up by denying the hurt that is there.  At around 25 you won’t be able to hold it in anymore.  You will consider suicide and I understand why.  But I know you are not going to take my advice in number 3 so you will have to stick around for her.
  7. Friends – making friends as an adult is hard. Try to get some good ones early if possible.
  8. Emotions – you often wonder to yourself if you are normal.  As you get older you notice that you are having trouble managing your emotions.  You are normal (for whatever that word means) but you have to work on dealing with number 6 before it comes tumbling down in front of your boss who is telling you for the 3rd time to smile but you start crying instead.
  9. Maybe – Maybe, just maybe you weren’t meant to be successful as you imagined.  I know that is hard to swallow but as long as you don’t go into debt chasing dreams and trying things you might can manage a semi-comfortable life for yourself
  10. You matter – you deserve more than what you allow in your life. don’t date the guy who rapes you, hoping that one day he will make it right.  Don’t expect your daughter’s father to grow up.  That doctor? He is bad news, also. Your friend from high school will claim you are so special to him but be careful because he is married and shady.  You are not just a body. You are a person that matter.

Despite this letter I know you will be stubborn and do as you please.  I just have one request: seek help when it gets too hard to continue.

Best Regards,

Mara

From the Present