What Next?

After setting myself up to fail in ways that have big consequences I have run out of ideas to support myself and daughter.  A failure.  Despite my beginnings I never would have thought that by the time I reached my 30’s I would be a failure.

Sometimes people say, “well at least you tried” or “failing is the key to success”.  These ideas are true but unfortunately my anxiety about my future is not cured with these truths.

What next?


Unhappy People

When I was younger I used to wonder why so many adults were unhappy.  Everywhere you looked, movies, sitcoms, coffee shops, homes, work places…adults being unhappy.

I remember thinking, “why don’t they do something that will make them happy?” If they hated their job, then why stay? If they didn’t want kids then why have them? Sure, it is way to think these things from afar.  Those unhappy adults had to compromise their lives around others and circumstances which push them so far into a corner that there was no leaving. Fate?

Now I am one of those adults.  My closest friend says, “I don’t think god meant for us to be successful”  Would have been nice if He could have let me know that earlier with huge neon signs and the words “you are not here to be successful, so don’t try.  Becoming an unhappy adult happened, not in an instant, but over a course of time.  It started with one mistake, one bad move, one wrong turn.

My childhood was not happy.  Suffering abuse everyday takes it toll so I acted out by seeking love from outside home.  I never found it but the seeking resulted in a daughter. She is my world.  My actions surrounding her existence was my first major wrong turn.

Then I went to college.  You hear about the cases where teen moms redeem themselves by getting and education and becoming productive human beings, right?  That was my dream.  What I didn’t realize was the error in getting student loans to pursue this goal with reliance on becoming that productive human being.  No one told me that an inner city teen mom was gambling hard if she chose to go to college.  I completed my education. In fact, I earned a master’s degree but I graduated into a recession, owing the government more than I will ever earn.

Next bad turn? After trying unsuccessfully to be a professional for 5 years I decided to go back to school and pursue another dream, becoming a lawyer.  Not the kind you are suspicious of but the kind that truly has your back.  That brings us up to today.  After a year of law school I will be dismissed because I just couldn’t focus enough to get good grades.

Too bad too because I was finally feeling hopeful about my future, I was finally getting my confidence and voice back.  Now, I am worried as shit about how to support myself and daughter. No job, no prospective career, teenage daughter, no bank account, unmanageable debt…no family.

I try to hold on because I don’t want to leave her but I am tired of fighting and have been for a while.  I want so badly to give up.  I am unhappy people.


When I hear that word I cringe.  I think, life?  Well, life sucks.  It eats at you piece by piece until you do not recognize yourself.  You say to people and to yourself, “I used to be different”

It is true.  I used to be different.  Despite many obstacles I kept a smile and a positive outlook.  I focused on trying to reach the destination of “Better”

Instead, I sit here at 3:30 am wondering what happened to THAT me from before.

THAT me no longer exists and in her place is a sad, angry, and withdrawn woman.  I am depressed.  There are many reasons why, but the importance is not the why, but the existence of this state of being.  What’s worse? Not having anyone to talk to…

I hate life with such a passion.