What Next?

After setting myself up to fail in ways that have big consequences I have run out of ideas to support myself and daughter.  A failure.  Despite my beginnings I never would have thought that by the time I reached my 30’s I would be a failure.

Sometimes people say, “well at least you tried” or “failing is the key to success”.  These ideas are true but unfortunately my anxiety about my future is not cured with these truths.

What next?

Open Letter: To Myself at 15

Dear Mara,

I know life hasn’t been the best for you but I have a few things I need you to consider:

1. Life Ahead – looking ahead life doesn’t seem to get much better for you.  If you continue on this path you will end up worse then your current circumstances
2. Love – I know that there is an empty spot in you where there is supposed to be the consuming love of your mother, father, brothers.  I know you have so much love to give but you need to go a bit longer without to be okay later. Looking for love will make you vulnerable to those who look for those who are looking.
3. Motherhood – you are going to have a daughter who loves you so much that you cannot imagine. You will be who she looks up to but try to listen to number 2 so that you can delay her arrival. You have to focus on the best outcome for number 1
4. Material Things – generally, when you grow up poor you develop this longing for the things you couldn’t have.  Resist the temptation.
5. Goals – Now, this is a hard one to advise on.  You are very ambitious. You always shoot higher than and is usually happy that you come out close but as you get older this will get old.  You will grow tired without the usual support and family behind you. So achieve as many goals as you can early. Experiment.  Get to know yourself so you can learn to set the best achievable goals in the future.
6. The Past – I know it hurts.  I know that you have held yourself up by denying the hurt that is there.  At around 25 you won’t be able to hold it in anymore.  You will consider suicide and I understand why.  But I know you are not going to take my advice in number 3 so you will have to stick around for her.
7. Friends – making friends as an adult is hard. Try to get some good ones early if possible.
8. Emotions – you often wonder to yourself if you are normal.  As you get older you notice that you are having trouble managing your emotions.  You are normal (for whatever that word means) but you have to work on dealing with number 6 before it comes tumbling down in front of your boss who is telling you for the 3rd time to smile but you start crying instead.
9. Maybe – Maybe, just maybe you weren’t meant to be successful as you imagined.  I know that is hard to swallow but as long as you don’t go into debt chasing dreams and trying things you might can manage a semi-comfortable life for yourself
10. You matter – you deserve more than what you allow in your life. don’t date the guy who rapes you, hoping that one day he will make it right.  Don’t expect your daughter’s father to grow up.  That doctor? He is bad news, also. Your friend from high school will claim you are so special to him but be careful because he is married and shady.  You are not just a body. You are a person that matter.

Despite this letter I know you will be stubborn and do as you please.  I just have one request: seek help when it gets too hard to continue.

Best Regards,

Mara

From the Present

Unhappy People

When I was younger I used to wonder why so many adults were unhappy.  Everywhere you looked, movies, sitcoms, coffee shops, homes, work places…adults being unhappy.

I remember thinking, “why don’t they do something that will make them happy?” If they hated their job, then why stay? If they didn’t want kids then why have them? Sure, it is way to think these things from afar.  Those unhappy adults had to compromise their lives around others and circumstances which push them so far into a corner that there was no leaving. Fate?

Now I am one of those adults.  My closest friend says, “I don’t think god meant for us to be successful”  Would have been nice if He could have let me know that earlier with huge neon signs and the words “you are not here to be successful, so don’t try.  Becoming an unhappy adult happened, not in an instant, but over a course of time.  It started with one mistake, one bad move, one wrong turn.

My childhood was not happy.  Suffering abuse everyday takes it toll so I acted out by seeking love from outside home.  I never found it but the seeking resulted in a daughter. She is my world.  My actions surrounding her existence was my first major wrong turn.

Then I went to college.  You hear about the cases where teen moms redeem themselves by getting and education and becoming productive human beings, right?  That was my dream.  What I didn’t realize was the error in getting student loans to pursue this goal with reliance on becoming that productive human being.  No one told me that an inner city teen mom was gambling hard if she chose to go to college.  I completed my education. In fact, I earned a master’s degree but I graduated into a recession, owing the government more than I will ever earn.

Next bad turn? After trying unsuccessfully to be a professional for 5 years I decided to go back to school and pursue another dream, becoming a lawyer.  Not the kind you are suspicious of but the kind that truly has your back.  That brings us up to today.  After a year of law school I will be dismissed because I just couldn’t focus enough to get good grades.

Too bad too because I was finally feeling hopeful about my future, I was finally getting my confidence and voice back.  Now, I am worried as shit about how to support myself and daughter. No job, no prospective career, teenage daughter, no bank account, unmanageable debt…no family.

I try to hold on because I don’t want to leave her but I am tired of fighting and have been for a while.  I want so badly to give up.  I am unhappy people.

Life…

When I hear that word I cringe.  I think, life?  Well, life sucks.  It eats at you piece by piece until you do not recognize yourself.  You say to people and to yourself, “I used to be different”

It is true.  I used to be different.  Despite many obstacles I kept a smile and a positive outlook.  I focused on trying to reach the destination of “Better”

Instead, I sit here at 3:30 am wondering what happened to THAT me from before.

THAT me no longer exists and in her place is a sad, angry, and withdrawn woman.  I am depressed.  There are many reasons why, but the importance is not the why, but the existence of this state of being.  What’s worse? Not having anyone to talk to…

I hate life with such a passion.